I've been wanting to write a post about my experience with the word suicide. It's been a word out of the mouthes of all four of my children. I don't take this lightly. We don't take this lightly. This is a hard and awkward post to write, but I want my kids to know that they are strong, brave, beautiful humans who are surviving 100% of their hardest days. I want them to know that their dad and I are here to support them all the way. I want them to know that I love them. Period.
Earlier this year, when Kedzie began struggling after her first knee surgery in January, this song by Em Beihold, Numb Little Bug was released. It resonated with her. It was her theme song for a good six months.
I don't feel a single thingHave the pills done too muchHaven't caught up with my friends in weeksAnd now we're outta touchI've been driving in L.A.And the world it feels too bigLike a floating ball that's bound to breakSnap my psyche like a twig
And I just wanna see if you feel the same as me
Do you ever get a little bit tired of lifeLike you're not really happy but you don't wanna dieLike you're hanging by a thread but you gotta survive'Cause you gotta surviveLike your body's in the room but you're not really thereLike you have empathy inside but you don't really careLike you're fresh outta love but it's been in the airAm I past repair
A little bit tired of tryin' to care when I don'tA little bit tired of quick repairs to copeA little bit tired of sinkin'There's water in my boatI'm barely breathin'Tryna stay afloatSo I got these quick repairs to copeGuess I'm just broken and broke
The prescriptions on its wayWith a name I can't pronounceAnd the dose I gotta takeBoy, I wish that I could count
'Cause I just wanna see if this could make me happy...
Kedzie started therapy around that time and her therapist is worth everything and more! He listens and teaches and honestly is one of the best things for her each week. About two weeks ago, my friend mentioned that her daughter was worried about Kedzie hurting herself. When I confronted Kedzie, of course I said all the wrong things like don't leave us, think about how sad we would be, you're too valuable...all the things I thought I was supposed to say. She then sent me a post on Instagram that said that I should just tell a person who's thinking about suicide that they are valued and that I will be here for them through whatever they are going through. Fortunately, Kedzie has no plans to hurt herself, and she has so many people who will listen to and support her, that she isn't going to hurt herself right now. We will continue with therapy and medication and love and support and being there for her every step of the way. It's been a hard year for her.
So then I start thinking about how hard high school has been for her. Friends have come and gone, Covid, online learning, masks, six feet, two knee surgeries, learning to study and earn grades, thinking about college and leaving home. It's a lot for my sweet girl. No wonder she is is barely breathing at times. As a mom it breaks my heart. I'd love to just hold her and protect her and never have her experience anything negative ever again, but that's so not reasonable. She has to experience the bad in order to have good. I'm here to be strong for her, to listen, to guide, to love. I'll always be her biggest cheerleader. However, I have my own issues and truly wish my mom was on Earth for the both of us. I have to believe she's helping us from Heaven.
Alex is doing great right now. New school, different friends, new soccer team, excelling at life. However, last year he would express wanting to kill himself, or die or not be alive and run off to his room or hide somewhere until he was ready to come out and talk.
In November, Triston lost his phone privileges and was found with a butcher knife to his chest in the kitchen. I immediately took the knife and followed him to his room where he cried and cried. He finally mentioned that his friends are the only people that want him and that he feels comfortable with. He actually, finally said that his birth parents didn't want him and he doesn't think we want him. We talked about how much we want him and all he miracles it took for him to become a member of our family. He's a teenager right now and friends are everything to him. He's now in therapy, as am I to help him and get through his teenage years in tact. All he wants are friends, freedom and fun and he's only fourteen so it's not time for that yet. He also struggles with telling the truth because he doesn't want to get into trouble. I don't think he was truly suicidal, but we made it through that night and every one since and continue to move forward with love and support and a lot of patience.
Ethan had his own suicidal thoughts in sixth grade. This is where it all began for our family. He needed medication for anxiety and depression and a years worth of therapy with an amazing therapist. He also needed to grow up and learn to trust more and share some of his emotions in a healthy way, rather than an angry way. He's come so far. He's still crazy and we are excited for how amazing he will be at 25 when his frontal cortex is fully formed (lol) but he's no longer suicidal and he can sorta express his emotions in a healthy manner. He cried this week when his feelings were hurt by friends. I was proud of him and how he handled it.
I have NEVER had suicidal thoughts. I'm so grateful. So, basically I don't understand at all what my kids are feeling, expressing, experiencing, but I'm here for them. I love them. I will listen to them and encourage and hug or not, and hold or not, but I'm their mother first and foremost and I think they all know that. If not, hopefully they'll read this and understand more clearly how important they are to me. They are my life...my kids and my sweet husband who struggles to understand and teach all of us!
This is hard stuff. This is deep stuff. I can't even begin to understand how it is to be a teenager in 2022. Again, I'm proud of my kids for learning and growing and making it through 100% of their hardest days. Keep on keeping on. We can do hard things. I love you so much Travis, Kedzie, Ethan, Triston and Alex
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