4.4.14 Powerful insight about myself.
I'm sitting on the couch eating lunch in my quiet house, reading Facebook and seeing how people my age are just now figuring out what they want to do/be when they grow up. I asked myself if I could be doing anything in the world right now, in this stage of life, what would I be doing? I quickly told myself that I'm happy where I'm at! That is a powerful insight for me. Because I struggle with being happy all the time. I'm happy as a wife and mother with my education behind me. I don't need to go searching for more to be fulfilled. Wow! I'm so grateful I've had this conversation with myself.
The days are difficult and I get tired and frustrated and worn down and sometimes I want to quit and run away. But in reality, I'd never do that. I'm so happy to be at home, raising my children, cleaning up after the messes, driving them to their activities and school. I'm grateful I'm not missing out on those moments. I'm grateful to be Travis's wife. He is the best man in the world for me. God was so giving when he brought us together. I'm not the perfect wife or mother, but I can confidently say that I'm so grateful for who I am and where I am in my life. I really wouldn't want it any other way.
Wow. That was a deep conversation!
http://www.daringyoungmom.com/2012/12/19/drops-of-awesome/
Drops of Awesome
This post has been in my heart and on my mind for over a year now. I’ve talked about it. I’ve prayed about it. I’ve taught about it. I was waiting for the right time to post about it and now feels like that time. It’s a post about a tiny little moment that completely changed the way I see myself and others. As I think about it and act on what I learned, I find that I am changed in significant ways every single day.
It was a sunny school morning and I was walking Magoo to the bus stop. I don’t often walk him to the school bus. He’s in second grade and pretty independent and I’m usually busy getting myself and his sisters ready. I’m semi-nocturnal and I sleep later than I should most mornings.
When it’s time for school, he says goodbye and heads up the hill to the bus.
As we got half way to the bus, Magoo reached out and grabbed my hand in an uninhibited way that I knew wouldn’t happen many more times. He’s seven now but growing and how many 12-year-old boys do you see still swinging hands happily with their mommies?
I squeezed his hand, felt the rare Seattle sun on my face, and told him I loved him. I was nearly perfectly happy.
Nearly.
Just at that moment, the thought came into my mind, That’s awesome that you’re walking him to the bus stop and putting on this “mother of the year” act today. What about yesterday and the day before that? You hardly ever walk him to the bus. He’s probably holding your hand because he’s so desperate for the love and attention you haven’t been showing him.
My bubble had burst. I am a crap mom, I thought, as I looked down into his smiling face.
Then another thought came. Kathryn. What is wrong with you? You are being an awesome mom in this moment. Your child is happy. You are loving him and caring for him. He’s well fed and dressed. You’re walking to the bus stop in the early morning and you’re already wearing a bra for heck’s sake. Do not rob yourself of this moment’s joy because of what you failed to do yesterday or what you fear you might not do tomorrow.
This started me thinking of all the times I do something good while beating myself up for all the times I haven’t been perfect.
You’re worshiping in the temple? Woopty freakin do! How long has it been since you came here last? When are you likely to come again? You’re not good at this. This is a fluke.
Wow. So you cleaned the kitchen today. Want a cookie? That dirty rag has been on the counter for a week and those dishes you so righteously cleaned are from breakfast three days ago. You are embarrassing.
That was really nice of you to offer to watch your friend’s kids while she had surgery. Remember last week when you knew your neighbor was suffering from depression and you drove right by with a wave because you did not want to get sucked into the drama? You don’t really care about people. Not all the time.
How destructive are these kinds of thoughts?
As I said goodbye to Magoo and started to walk back home, my mind started to shift.
Drops of Awesome! I thought. Every time you do something good, something kind, something productive, it’s a drop in your Bucket of Awesome. You don’t lose drops for every misstep. You can only build. You can only fill.
I walked Magoo to the bus. Drop of Awesome!
I fed him fruit with breakfast. Drop of Awesome!
I told him I loved him. Drop of Awesome!
I wore a bra and brushed my teeth before schlepping it up that hill. Two Fat Drops of Awesome!
All day long I chanted these words in my head. I picked up that tootsie roll wrapper off the front porch instead of stepping over it for the eleventy hundredth time. Drop of Awesome! I unloaded one dish from the dishwasher when I walked through the kitchen on my way to the bathroom. Drop of Awesome! I texted my sad neighbor to say I was thinking about her. Drop of Awesome! I had a critical thought about one of my kids and I brushed it away and replaced it with love. Drop of Awesome!
When I started thinking about my life in terms of adding these little Drops of Awesome for every tiny act of good, I found that I was doing more and more of them because it’s a lot more fun to do good when you’re rewarded with joy, rather than being guilted about every failure in your past.
By the end of the day, I had realized something important. If I was spending time with my kids, really listening to them with attention in the moment, then I was a good listener, regardless of the 50 other times I’d brushed them off or multi-tasked while they were talking over the past week. If I was engaged in sincere prayer with my Heavenly Father, really communing with him and seeking his will, then I was a person who engages in sincere prayer, regardless of how my prayers were (or weren’t) yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.
As I added up these Drops of Awesome, I found that in those moments I actually became the person I had always wanted to be.
Have you ever said any of these things: “Well, I guess I don’t work out anymore,” because you missed one workout? Or, “I always fight with my brother. Our relationship is broken.” What about, “I’m kind of a nag to my spouse.” Or “I gossip and I always end up hurting people I love.” “I can’t stop spending money. We will never get out of debt.” “My house is always a disaster.”
These things are lies, depending on the next decision you make, the next Drop of Awesome you put in your bucket. You may have done these things or have a hard time with them but they don’t define you and you can change this very instant. You may not think you can change permanently but you can change the next choice you make. And as you change that one next tiny choice, you may think, I got this one Drop of Awesome but I may never be able to get another one again.
And that’s okay.
You made the right choice once. And in that moment you were the person you want to be and that is a triumph. For one night, you were a person who went to bed early. One morning you woke up and the first words out of your mouth were positive so you were a morning person in that moment. Bam! Drop of Awesome.
You do not need to wait three months to be who you want to be. Pick up ten things right now and say, “Drops of Awesome! I am someone who takes care of my house. That is who I am. I have proof.”
In the end, it’s really about allowing yourself to feel joy and allowing yourself to be proud of the small victories of life. This builds momentum and you want more drops in your bucket and when you don’t get as many, you pick yourself up and say, “What can I do next?”
Now, there are a whole lot of religious implications to this because, as a Christian, I believe that you are not the only one adding these Drops of Awesome to your bucket. Christ commanded us to be perfect, but through His atonement, He is with us every step of the way.
As an object lesson when I was teaching this to the teenage girls at church, I gave them each a small dropper and I put a 2-quart bowl on the table. I told them that throughout the lesson they would get the chance to put drops in the bucket for every Drop of Awesome they could think of that they’d done. I promised them that we would fill the bowl to overflowing by the end of the lesson.
With about 5 minutes to go, we had barely begun to fill the bowl and the girls were looking around at each other nervously. The promised overflow did not look likely. Were they not awesome enough?
At that point, I pulled out a large pitcher labeled ATONEMENT and poured water into the glass bowl until it was spilling out all over the table and the towel the bowl was resting on. The class went silent.
When we are in a relationship with Christ, striving as God’s sons and daughters to do His will, He pours more into our buckets than we can ever hope to imagine. He can fill us to overflowing with peace, with joy, with perfection, with Awesome. And then what do we do if our bucket is overflowing like that? Where does the Awesome go then?
I pulled out an identical bowl, twice the size of the original. Our capacity for joy and lightincreases. And we just keep working, one tiny drop at a time. And we don’t compare today’s drops to yesterday’s or tomorrow’s. And we live and we love and we repent when we do wrong and we allow ourselves to be glorious, beautiful, and dare I say perfect in Christ, children of God.
I believe in a God who loves us and roots for us and cheers for every Drop of Awesome we can manage. Our victories are His victories and He wants us to feel joy. Not later, when we no longer make mistakes, but right now.
I’m gonna close this uber long post out with a scripture from the Book of Mormon. I know many of you do not share my faith but I think you’ll find truth in these words:
“Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.” (Alma 37:6)
Small and simple. Tiny drops. Go forth. Be Awesome.
http://mwharkertherapist.blogspot.com/2014/02/parenting-why-do-kids-turn-out-way-they.html?m=1
Why do kids turn out the way they do?
I agonized over this questions for some time, especially when I compared two extreme cases. While I was a missionary in inner-city Detroit, I met a young man that defied all logic. He was about 13 years old. He lived with his alcoholic grandmother, and no-body really knew what happened to his parents. He had every excuse to slide right into the stereotypical track that other deprived inner-city youth would slide into. But he did not. I first met him on our front porch. He was wearing a baby blue suit he got from the local Salvation Army type clothing store. He was on our porch selling chocolates and another time, magazines. Every time I saw this young man, who lived on the same street we did, he was anxiously engaged in a good cause. It didn't make sense.
A few years later, while I was working at Decker Lake Youth Center (a maximum security prison for teenagers) in Salt Lake City, Utah, I met a 15 year old Caucasian boy. I went on to learn that he was raised in a good neighborhood with good parents who had plenty of money. After interviewing him, I learned that his only goal in life was to learn how to blow people up like the infamous, Mark Hoffman. No logical explanation.
As I pondered these two cases, 3 scriptural stories came to mind. We have have Alma the Younger. His father was the spiritual leader of the people. Notwithstanding all of Alma Sr.'s efforts, his son went through a very long period of misbehavior.
Then we can discuss Cain, brother of Abel. Maybe if Adam and Eve had been better parents, Cain would not have killed his brother. Maybe if they had called for a family prayer just one more time, she would not have lost that son, yes?
And let us not forget Laman and Lemuel. Maybe if Lehi and Sariah had been more loving; maybe if they had read the scriptures with them more or held one more Family Home Evening... And how do you explain how Nephi and Sam turned out so polarly opposite to Laman and Lemuel although raised by the same 2 parents.
Why do we not blame Adam and Eve for the way Cain turned out? Why do we not blame Lehi and Sariah for the way Laman and Lemuel turned out?
I am grateful for the improvements made to parenting philosophies that have come to light in the social sciences over the last 40 years. But let us proceed with caution and remember that prophets will always know more about true principles than will scientists. Parenting philosophies that have surfaced since the 70's help us to take more responsibility and accountability for the way we parent our children, but let us not over correct. I hope all who have taken a close look have come to the conclusion that the dichotomous split of Nature vs. Nurture is an excessive simplification.
Many years ago I was asked to teach a fireside at a youth conference on concept of "Entitlement". I was disappointed with my presentation and have worked hard to make some improvements. Sadly, one of my discoveries has been that parents have accidentally been part of the cause of this sense of entitlement. I have met many parents who function as if the way the child is turning out is their own fault, leaving very little if any responsibility in the hands of the youth. Ironically, our doctrine teaches us that age 8 is the age of accountability. Perhaps that is when we should start teaching them principles like the following:
You are responsible for:
-your lack of gratitude.
-your work ethic.
-desire to do well in school, with friends, in sports.
-your own testimony and relationship with God.
-to make sure you do not feel bored, or any other negative emotion.
I do not mean to say that a parent should cease to make efforts to help at this point, but I am confident that the final statement in each situation should land on the shoulders of the youth. History has shown many youth taking responsibility for their own development. We should not make efforts to deprive our children of the same.
It's my responsibility to Teach them correct Principles and let them govern themselves.
It's my responsibility to keep the Spirit with me when I am in parenting situations.
It's my responsibility to be diligent, but it is also my responsibility to not run faster than I have strength.
It's my responsibility to acknowledge my limitations and have Faith in the Plan of Salvation that includes the idea that Christ's "grace is sufficient" to compensate for all of my limitations.
It appears that 50% of what causes a youth to turn out the way he or she does as an adult is based on the quality of his or her spirit before he or she is born.
25% is based on the environment the youth grows up in. Whether it is ancient Egypt, Jerusalem in the middle of time, modern Afghanistan, or modern Utah. This 25% includes genetic and biological issues as well.
And the final 25% is split in half by the primary mother figure and the primary father figure. In other words, you have about 12.5% influence on the way your youth turns out.
You are responsible for:
-your lack of gratitude.
-your work ethic.
-desire to do well in school, with friends, in sports.
-your own testimony and relationship with God.
-to make sure you do not feel bored, or any other negative emotion.
I do not mean to say that a parent should cease to make efforts to help at this point, but I am confident that the final statement in each situation should land on the shoulders of the youth. History has shown many youth taking responsibility for their own development. We should not make efforts to deprive our children of the same.
It's my responsibility to Teach them correct Principles and let them govern themselves.
It's my responsibility to keep the Spirit with me when I am in parenting situations.
It's my responsibility to be diligent, but it is also my responsibility to not run faster than I have strength.
It's my responsibility to acknowledge my limitations and have Faith in the Plan of Salvation that includes the idea that Christ's "grace is sufficient" to compensate for all of my limitations.
It appears that 50% of what causes a youth to turn out the way he or she does as an adult is based on the quality of his or her spirit before he or she is born.
25% is based on the environment the youth grows up in. Whether it is ancient Egypt, Jerusalem in the middle of time, modern Afghanistan, or modern Utah. This 25% includes genetic and biological issues as well.
And the final 25% is split in half by the primary mother figure and the primary father figure. In other words, you have about 12.5% influence on the way your youth turns out.
So, many ask, what is the point of trying? I asked this question myself too. And when I did so sincerely, the conference talks on parenting shifted in their meaning. God had already made it clear to me that if he needed to, he could raise my children successfully without my help (as he has done in many cases throughout history). As I listened more closely to conference talks, I began to learn that the opportunity to raise children had more to do with my development and spiritual training than it did with my children's. As I listened and read more I began to understand that parent training is about me becoming a better, more Christ-like, more Spiritually anchored person.
Is it possible that when Adam and Eve went before the judgment bar that they each heard, "Well done, my good and faithful servant," even though Cain turned out the way he did? Is it possible that when Sariah went before the judgment bar that she heard, "Well done, my good and faithful servant," even though Laman and Lemuel turned out the way they did? Is it possible that you are parenting correctly even though your kid(s) are not turning out the way they are supposed to?
Your children are responsible for the way they turn out. You are responsible to be diligent in your efforts. It is your responsibility to live your life such that God will tell you at the end of the day, "Well done, my good and faithful servant!"
No comments:
Post a Comment